shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Randomize
