I'm so fucking centered right now
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
