she looked like the before picture.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
