So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
