She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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