woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
