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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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