i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
