The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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