I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
