no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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