Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You are a genius and a whore.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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