That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
