Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she peed on how many people?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
