I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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