why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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