you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
