Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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