i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
