Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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