News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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