Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
