Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
