I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
