So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
