did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
