whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
