At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
