I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm getting married
To pizza
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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