Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
