So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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