Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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