She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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