I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
