i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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