can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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