Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
