you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
