the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
