hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
