addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
