Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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