My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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