I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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