We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
