so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
