why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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