'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
