All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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