if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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