He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
