So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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